Black Doted “Flintstones’s Stick” Scars

There is a story behind what I wrote few days ago: “Until certain point – pain and scar are not frightening, but become an entry point to testify how God works through it. When you see it that way, you will feel more beautiful and strong! Only by God’s grace.”

Let me tell you a story about my calves.
I have problem with this part of my body since my teenager.
It’s big and remind me to Flintstones’s stick and I use to say that it’s more like ‘betis abang becak’ than betis a woman. All my teenage year I grew up with a believe that those calves are ugly!


Yes there you go… and then comes those black doted scars – I’ve been struggling with those scars for sometime. It makes my calves even uglier than before. For months I hide it with trousers, stocking, or long skirt – I told people that I like wearing it but I know deep inside I want to cover something that really hurt my self image.

I know maybe I was too much but I couldn’t stop that feeling.
I thought it was a simple thing that I have to learn to accept – I live with border line diabetis and as a medical doctor I know that those scars will stay after I recover from wounds. But still that knowledge didn’t help me to make peace with it at all.
Then I asked God to help me deal with it. I quite hesitant to do that at first – I mean hey this only a scar issue and it located on my calves, not on my face, I feel too much to bring it to a prayer. But I did it anyway – hey nothing to loose, it’s ‘only’ a prayer.

But then something happen slowly but sure.
Somehow God reminds me to the cause of those black doted scars.
I got bites from Sand Flies when I did my Inca Trail at Machu Pichu.
I went to Cusco Peru for a social project help women to get tested for Cervical Cencer Screening. It was a 2 weeks mission and at the end of the mission the people from clinic took us to Machu Pichu. They told us about the possibility of Sand Flies bites (read:https://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowTopic-g294318-i3352-k1480029-Bug_bites_from_MP-Machu_Picchu_Sacred_Valley_Cusco_Region.html) but me and my ignorance – I thought : “Aahhh it just a bug. I have mosquito biting me all my life and I am ok…” That ignorance lead me to a struggle 😛yeahhh stubborn me!

God reminds me that I got that wounds when I did a mission to live a passion that God gave in my heart.
Yes it’s messy and gross (you should see it when it still infected) and it became scars but every time I look at that Black Doted “Flintstones’s Stick” Scars, it reminds me how God is faithful to me, how God’s grace fill me with courage to travel 17,800km to meet God’s people there and sharing life with them. For me this scar become a sign of how God loves me and He wants me to be happy.

Yes until certain point – pain and scar are not frightening, but become an entry point to testify how God works through it. When you see it that way, you will feel more beautiful and strong!

Only by God’s grace.

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Dance with My Father: a memoir – The Fireworks in Me

The Fireworks in Me

Saya tiba di kamar kos saya.
Tidak ada yang berubah di dalam kamar kos saya tersebut. Semua masih sama.
Tetapi waktu saya melangkah masuk ke kamar saya itu, ada rasa berbeda.
Sangat berbeda.
Saya memandang tempat tidur saya yang masih berantakan.
Masih teringat jelas apa yang terjadi di atas tempat tidur itu.
Saya duduk di atas tempat tidur saya. Menghela nafas panjang sambil mengambil plastik obat yang menjadi pertarungan hidup saya selama 2 hari belakangan ini.
Saya rapikan tutup plastik obat itu, dan saya simpan di dalam lemari meja belajar.

Terdengar ketukan pintu. Ternyata Oom yang kemarin menyapa saya.
“Nona, dipanggil Oom dan Tante, diajak makan bersama. Nanti malam mau pasang kembang api.”
Saya sempat bengong sejenak – hah? Kembang api? Baru saya tersadar ini tanggal 31 Desember 1999.
Di mana-mana bakal jadi pesta besar bergantian tahun milenium ini.
Saya tersenyum. Ini Oom mantan pasien Rumah Sakit Jiwa. Artinya… dulu dia orang gila. Literally gila.
Tapi rasanya kok dia lebih waras dari laki-laki yang pada kenyataannya lulusan luar negeri. Paling tidak saya merasa diperhatikan oleh Oom ini…
*sigh*
Rasanya kemarahan di dada ini begitu besarnya, sampai apapun yang tidak ada hubungan nya saya hubung-hubungkan ke situ.
Saya menjawab: “Terima kasih Oom, bilang sama Oom dan Tante ya saya menyusul, saya mandi dulu.”
Saya menutup pintu. Tiba-tiba kembali rasa sakit, kesepian, dan sendirian seperti mencekam hati ini.
Rasanya ingin menangis, tetapi herannya tidak ada satu tetes air matapun yang keluar dari mata saya.
Air mata itu tidak mampu keluar sampai bertahun-tahun kemudian.
Saya baru saja lolos dari sebuah kematian.
Tetapi hati ini tidak luput dari kekerasan dan dinginnya hawa kematian.

Baru kali itu saya berkumpul dengan teman-teman kos saya. Dua teman ujian negara saya mendapatkan kos di tempat lain, sehingga saya hanya sendirian di situ.
Malam itu saya berkenalan dengan seseorang gadis Bali yang cantik, yang kemudian menjadi sahabat saya sampai hari ini.
Malam itu saya bertemu dengan banyak kehidupan yang membuat rasa sakit hari ini mampu teralihkan.
Kami makan malam bersama, dan menjelang jam 12 malam – kami mulai membakar stock kembang api yang Oom sudah siapkan untuk anak-anak kos nya.
Kami berkumpul sampai kira-kira 1 jam – menjelang jam 1 pagi atau jam 12 malam waktu Jakarta saya punya keinginan yang luar biasa untuk menelpon ke Jakarta. Tetapi semua ingatan akan perjalanan dari hutan bakau ke Malalayang tadi sore membuat saya berkata ke diri saya sendiri: “If you do that, you better get in to your room and eat all the pills. What a shame!”

Brokenheart1Tahun baru sudah lewat.
Ini tahun 2000 – saya berjanji saya juga akan menjadi perempuan yang baru.
Saya yang lama terbakar bersama kembang api yang sudah dibakar tadi.
Saya tidak akan mengijinkan diri saya, untuk mencintai lagi.

 

to be continued Dance with My Father: a memoir – Dance With Me My Girl

Dance with My Father: a memoir – When Love and Hate Collide

When Love and Hate Collide

Dalam perjalanan di dalam angkot menuju Malalayang saya mendapati kalau rute ini adalah rute Trans Sulawesi.
Saya tidak ingat sama sekali pernah melintasi jalanan ini. Hal terakhir yang saya ingat adalah ada di dalam angkot di jam 10 pagi. Setelah itu sampai hari ini masih merupakan teka-teki buat saya.

Kenyataan nya saat itu, saya merenungi apa yang saya lihat dalam perjalanan dalam angkot menuju Malalayang.
Jalanan ini adalah rute Trans Sulawesi di mana bus-bus trans Sulawesi melintas.
Di beberapa spot saya melihat perbatasan dengan lembah yang dalam karena beberapa spot berbatasan dengan laut.

Otak saya sudah mulai mampu diajak bekerja sama. Saya menganalisa hanya ada dua kemungkinan saya bisa sampai di tempat tadi: kalau tidak berjalan kaki, ya dengan naik angkot seperti ini.
Tapi melihat uang di dompet saya. Uang saya tidak berkurang sama sekali, saya menyimpulkan kalau saya berjalan kaki menuju tempat tadi.
Saat itu otak saya mulai melemparkan pertanyaan-pertanyaan:
Bagaimana kalau di tengah jalan saya tertabrak dengan bus trans yang melaju dengan begitu cepatnya di jalur ini?
Bagaimana kalau saya diperkosa di tengah jalan atau di tengah hutan-hutan ini?
Bagaimana kalau saya dirampok?
Bagaimana kalau dalam perjalanan saya jatuh ke lembah yang dalam itu…?
Bagaimana kalau…
Begitu banyak pertanyaan dan ketakutan timbul waktu saya melintasi jalan tersebut.

Tiba-tiba ada rasa marah yang kebencian yang meluap dalam hati saya.
Ini semua terjadi karena kesedihan yang saya alami.
Blame it to my ex boyfriend yang dengan alasan mulia kalau ia belum tentu bisa memberikan masa depan ke saya, mencampakkan saya begitu saja.
Blame it to my ‘so called’ best friend yang mengatakan ia mencintai saya, tetapi memutuskan untuk kembali ke mantan pacarnya.
Blame it to all men in my life! Karena semua laki-laki yang pernah hadir dalam hidup saya hanya bisa menggunakan, menyakiti, dan meninggalkan saya.
Saya marah kepada mereka.
Tetapi lebih dari pada itu… saya lebih marah kepada diri saya sendiri.
Saya marah karena saya mengijinkan mereka semua memperlakukan saya seperti itu.
Saya marah karena saya begitu menyedihkan, mengiba-iba ke pada para lelaki untuk dicintai.
Saya muak dengan diri saya sendiri.
Sesaaat saya seperti melihat begitu banyak belatung keluar dari setiap pori-pori saya.
Saya begitu menjijikkan!!!

Di dalam angkot saya kemudian menangis lagi.
Tetapi kali ini bukan tangis kesedihan.
Kali ini bukan tangisan ketidak-berdayaan.
Kali ini bukan tangis minta dikasihani.
It’s like my 2nd personality came out from the pieces of me.

love and hate.jpgAda satu kekuatan dalam diri saya yang keluar dan berjanji:
“Saya tidak akan pernah membiarkan siapapun memperlakukan saya seperti selama ini saya mengijinkan diri saya diperlakukan!!! You can have my words!!!”

Saya berjanji saya akan menunjukkan bahwa saya bisa hidup tanpa mereka.
Saya bisa hidup tanpa cinta.
Saya bisa berprestasi lebih dari pada mereka.
Saya bisa mendapatkan semua yang yang butuhkan dan saya mau tanpa mahkluk yang bernama lelaki.
Bukan hanya lelaki yang bisa menggunakan tubuh perempuan, sayapun – seorang perempuan, bisa menggunakan tubuh, keberadaan, perhatian lelaki.

Saya tidak akan membiarkan diri saya mencintai lagi karena saya yang akan mengendalikan semua yang terjadi dalam hidup saya.
I will not say I love you again. Never in my life!
Saya percaya adanya Tuhan, tetapi saya tidak akan membiarkan Tuhan semena-mena membiarkan saya mengalami semuanya ini.
Saya bertanggung-jawab penuh atas semua yang saya ijinkan terjadi dalam hidup saya.
Tuhan ada atau tidak dalam hidup saya, tidaklah terlalu penting saat ini.
Look what He’s done to me…?
I don’t think I can trust Him again.
Let God be God. But for others, not for me.
(Sebenarnya ada kata-kata yang saya ucapkan kepada Tuhan saat saya mendapati diri saya di pinggiran pantai tadi… tetapi demi kepentingan bersama… lebih baik saya sensor…)

I won’t let God take control of my life.

To be continued Dance with My Father: a memoir – The Fireworks in Me

Dance with My Father: a memoir – One Day Before Mangrove Forest

Satu Hari Sebelum Hutan Bakau

Saya terbangun dengan pil-pil berserakan di atas tempat tidur dan di lantai.
Saya memuguti satu persatu dan memasukan kembali ke dalam plastik.Saya kembali muntah-muntah pagi itu. Hanya cairan kuning dan bercak darah yang keluar dari episode muntah kali itu..

Hari sudah siang, matahari sudah tinggi.
Saat saya mau masuk ke kamar, Oom tukang kebun, seorang mantan pasien rumah sakit jiwa yang pernah dirawat oleh Ibu Kos saya memandang saya tersenyum, dan berteriak: “Tidak pernah kelihatan Nona… Jangan dikamar terus. Semua berkumpul di ruang makan…”

Ada rasa hangat yang mengalir dalam hati saya sejenak saat mendengar sapaan Oom, seperti ada bau kehidupan yang menyapa saya setelah beberapa hari ini saya sendirian. Saya hanya mampu menjawab lemah:
“Engga Oom… Makasi… Ngga enak badan.”

pillsSaya masuk ke kamar saya yang gelap seperti malam dan naik kembali ke atas tempat tidur. Kamar ini begitu lembab, dan ada sedikit bau asam. Tetapi saya tidak peduli.
Dalam waktu tidak lebih dari 1 menit, saya sudah menangis lagi. Sebenarnya saya tidak tahu apa yang tangisi. Semuanya perasaan sudah bercampur dan tidak bisa saya pilah-pilah lagi.
Saya menangis.
Berhenti.
Menangis lagi.
Berhenti.
Menangis lagi.
Sampai akhirnya saya memutuskan untuk mengambil plastik obat saya, berisi pil-pil penghantar tidur (selamanya) dan mempersiapkan diri saya kembali untuk meminum obat itu.

Tapi rasanya badan ini begitu lemas, untuk bangun mengambil air saja rasanya tidak sanggup.
Saya melihat ke handphone Nokia ‘pisang’ saya, ada dorongan kuat untuk kembali menelpon sahabat saya itu.
Tetapi bayangan dia sedang berusaha mendapatkan kembali mantan kekasihnya itu membuat saya seperti sesak nafas. Kembali pandangan mata saya tertuju pada pil-pil yang sudah saya letakkan begitu saja di atas meja.
Tetapi rasa lemas tidak mampu membuat saya terbangun dan saya hanya berpikir:
”Ahhh besok saja lah… “
dan kemudian saya tidak ingat lagi apa yang terjadi.

 

Saya terbangun oleh suara kencang dari mesin pemotong rumput.
Si Oom lagi motong rumput rupanya.
Dan saya…? Belum ada di neraka. Ternyata itu bukan suara gergaji untuk memotong kepala saya.
Sudah pagi lagi rupanya. Lebih dari 15 jam saya tertidur.

Entar kenapa tiba-tiba saya mengambil 2 keping biscuit Regal yang ada di lemari.
Hhhmmm… kemajuan… sudah memikirkan makan.
Tiba-tiba saya pingin sekali mandi, setelah mencium bau kamar yang tidak jelas dan bau badan saya yang cenderung ‘asam’ ini.

Saya mandi dan membersihkan kamar saya ala kadarnya. Lalu seperti robot saya berganti pakaian, mengambil ransel saya, dan turun ke jalan raya (karena kamar kos saya ada di ‘bukit’).

Saya menunggu angkot yang biasa saya naiki ke kampus.
Saat saya masuk ke dalam angkot dan saya duduk di sebelah seorang Bapak yang sedang merokok… sehingga asap rokok nya membuat saya terbatuk-batuk.
Saya melihat ke jam tangan saya… dan sempat berpikir: “Baru jam 10an… Masih terlalu pagi… mau ke mana saya?”
Saat itu saya ingat, ada rasa sakit yang tiba-tiba menyerang dada saya. Rasanya sakittt sekali, saya pikir saya terkena serangan jantung saat itu.

Itu hal terakhir yang saya dapat ingat di moment itu.

to be continued Dance with My Father: a memoir – An Afternoon at Mangrove Forest

Dance with My Father: a memoir – Prolog

PROLOG

A story of a little girl who always think she never has enough.

Tadinya Saya berpikir akan menjadikannya sebuah buku.
Tetapi dengan situasi dan workload saat ini, rasanya masih terlalu jauh mewujudkan nya. But it’s too precious to keep it for myself.

fatherdaughter dance2It is a story of a journey of life from a little girl who always think that she is a princess, but in her teenagers, youth, and young adult time, she did a lot of turn around, rock and roll, stepped on the foot, out of breath ~ while she dance with her Father, her creator, her King.
The consequences took her to an understanding that she was not (and never be) a princess. In fact she just a dumb, ugly, unloved, unseen, dirty, sinful young woman who never be wanted by anyone in this world.

It took me a lot of courage to share this with all of you.
But writing in this blog is one way to step out from my self, from my pride, and show the world how fragile woman I was.
Only by the mercy and grace of God I reach today. This will be a story of God’s mercy in my life on this extraordinary year of mercy.

This is a second chance of life I live and I won’t take it for granted.

And there goes my story:

Angin sejuk menerpa wajah Saya.
Air dingin terasa di pergelangan kaki Saya.
Saya seakan terjaga dari tidur yang panjang.
Dada Saya terasa sesak, rasa nyeri yang tidak tertahankan seperti menusuk dan menekan dada Saya.
Kepala saya juga terasa sakit dan pandangan Saya berputar.
Mual dan ingin memuntahkan semua isi perut keluar.
Saya berpikir saya
sedang bermimpi buruk.
Tetapi tidak… ini alam nyata.

Ada di mana saya?

Berikmangrove forestutnya yang Saya rasakan adalah rasa takut karena melihat sekeliling yang tidak Saya kenal.
Pepohonan bakau, celana panjang yang basah hingga ke paha.

Saya melihat jam tangan yang melingkar di tangan kiri Saya… 4.17 sore.
Saya berusaha mengingat apa yang terjadi pada diri Saya, tetapi tidak mampu rasanya otak ini diajak berpikir.

Setelah mengatur nafas dan berusaha meredakan tangis, akhirnya saya memutuskan berjalan ke jalan setapak yang terlihat di belakang saya.

 

Melalui semak-semak yang membuat saya demikian ketakutan dan terus bertanya: “Bagaimana saya bisa sampai di sini? Apa yang terjadi dengan saya? Apa saya sudah gila? Mengapa hati ini terasa sakit sekali? Apa yang terjadi….???”

Kemudian saya kembali menangis histeris sendirian…
ketakutan…
kesepian…
dan merasa terbuang.

to be continued… Dance with My Father: a memoir – Two Days Before Mangrove Forest

 

Armageddon: A Battle between My Past and My Present

Hujan dari semalam membuat Saya merasa mellow below.
Jadi mulai korek-korek lagu masa lalu yang kalau kita denger terasa adem dan pengen narik nafas panjang. Apapun artinya itu.
Dari tadi muter lagu nya Aerosmith – I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing gara-gara waktu itu Saya nonton film Armagedon sama mantan Saya (lagu itu jadi soundtracknya) dan kemudian lagu itu jadi lagu yang Saya suka karena ngga lama setelah itu dia pergi sekolah ke luar negeri dan belum tahu rencana ke depan kami gimana.
Waktu itu kami ngga nonton berduaan. Kami nonton bersama dengan 2 sahabat Saya. Satunya Sahabat cewek Saya, dan yang satu lagi Sahabat cowok saya bersama dengan pacarnya saat itu. Yang kemudian ternyata, bertahun-tahun kemudian – Sahabat cowok itu kemudian menjadi suami Saya hihihihihi… *yeeeeemanaketeheeeee*

Anyway… kita perempuan adalah makhluk relational dan emotional. Bersama dengan relasi itu, emosi yang menyertai relasi itu selalu ada dan tinggal dalam hati kita. Kadang itu terasa indah, tetapi kadang ada yang terlalu menyakitkan. Kadang kita dapat merasakannya, kadang rasa itu terlalu menyakitkan untuk dikenang sehingga kita memilih untuk ‘melupakannya’. Sampai satu titik di mana kita ngga bisa move on dan sampai pada kesimpulan: hidupku atau kebahagiaanku sudah berakhir waktu itu semua berakhir di masa lalu kita.

I was one of those women who think that way.

Contohnya: paling nyata adalah hari ini. Waktu saya mendengarkan lagu I don’t want to miss a thing tadi, ada rasa nyaman dalam hati Saya. Rasanya this is so right. The ambiance, the melody and lyric… This is soooo me! Tapi apakah Saya merasa kangen dengan mantan Saya waktu itu…? No… hahahaha… My God! Dia sudah beristri dan Saya sudah bersuami. Tetapi seakan-akan rasa itu ada. I came to an understanding when I want to get out from my own emotional illusion.
Saya ngga lagi punya perasaan terhadap mantan Saya. Yang Saya kangen adalah my emotion at that time, bertahun-tahun lalu di tahun 1998, di mana Saya madly in love with him, dan kami baru saja jadian, dan waktu kita harus menghadapi kenyataan Saya akan ditinggal dan kami akan LDR.
Soooo… it was that feeling – rasa nyaman – yang meninggalkan informasi dalam otak saya, dan rasa itu seperti Dopamine yang memancing reward system dalam otak Saya. Informasi itulah yang tertinggal Saat ini dan merupakan salah satu ‘release’ yang membuat rasanya terasa ‘nyaman’ dan ‘benar’.
Kalau hari ini Saya ditanya apakah Saya ingin kembali ke masa-masa itu…? Hhhhmmm jawaban Saya dengan pasti TIDAK. That was one day in my life and I cherish that moment as I cherish his presence in my life. Hari ini ada karena hari kemarin, semua yang terjadi yang boleh memberikan informasi dalam ingatan kita, itulah yang harus kita utilize untuk hari ini yang lebih baik, karena hari esok ada karena adanya hari ini.
Dari berbagai Seminar soal relationship yang Saya dan Suami Saya lakukan bersama, banyak pertanyaan bagaimana caranya move on from the past. Buat Saya move on artinya dengan kehendak bebas Saya, dan bergantung pada kekuatan rahmat Tuhan melangkahkan kaki Saya. Setapak demi setapak. Berdamai dengan apa yang ada kemarin, melihat semua peristiwa lalu sebagai gambaran pelatihan hati dan peyadaran diri bahwa kita adalah manusia rapuh yang berbuat kesalahan, saling menyakiti, dan terkadang tidak mampu menghargai moment-moment dalam hidup kita. Tetapi seperti Allah memerintahkan Lot dan keluarganya untuk tidak melihat kebelakang dalam konteks dosa, kehidupan masa lalu, dan semua yang telah dimusnahkan Allah saat itu – Allah yang sama juga mau kita semua melihat ke depan karena ada janji rancangan damai sejahtera dan sukacita bagi orang-orang yang mengasihi Allah dan menggantungkan harapannya hanya kepada Tuhan.

ArmageddonDon’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
‘Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
‘Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

Yes… I don’t want to miss a thing.
I don’t want to miss a single little thing of my life.
Live your life to the fullest because your life is a poetry. Written by God who wants to write beautiful stories of your life.

Common Princess – don’t be bullied by the devil and continue to wallow in the mud of the past that makes you unable to see the beauty of tomorrow. It’s our battle yang akan membawa kita kepada seperti apa hari ini atau hari esok kita hidupi.  Don’t make evil crippled us with our past and we can’t see the beauty of sunshine in your life.

The beauty of God’s promises in our life.

Cinderella’s Mom and My Mom: I think They Are BFF

 

“Have courage and be kind.” (Cinderella’s Mom)
“Jangan takut kalau kita benar, tetapi musti tetap ingat kasih Tuhan.” (my mom)
Years ago, when I was a little girl, someone gave the same message like what Cinderella’s Mom said. It was not the exact word, but it had same deep meaning. That someone was my mom. She always teaches me to a woman with courage, stand for what its right, do what its right, but always have a kind heart full of forgiveness, and hope on other people, situation, but especially on myself.
“I believe in everything,” (Cinderella’s Mom)
“Percaya hanya kepada Tuhan, maka semua yang kau pegang akan berhasil” (my mom)
I remember one day, I came home from school on my elementary years. I was crying that day because I failed one exam, and then I told my mom that I couldn’t do it, it’s too difficult… I remember she said this: “Believe in God in all you do. When you put all your trust in God, you can believe in everything. Study hard, work hard. Don’t loose hope because when you put your trust in God… you will see all that He will make your path straight.
“Just because it’s done, doesn’t mean it should be done.” (Cinderella)
“Being a woman, a wife, a mother, even an MD, it is not and never be a carrier. It always be a calling and expect to find a hard time to live your calling. But don’t worry, God be with you. Our actions are everything. Make them kind actions, and we will change the world.” (my mom)
I remember the day I decided to enter the medical school – my mom said… “If you want to be a medical doctor for your wealth and richness, you better cancel your decision now. Because medical doctor is not for become rich in term of money and name, it is a calling.”
I think my mom and Cinderella’s mom are BFF 🙂
They taught me and Cinderella almost the same thing 🙂
She teaches me how to be a kind, strong, full of hope, courage, sensitive to other’s needs. Most of all she shows me her love and faith to God and it is a living testimony of her life that I live now.
I am not Cinderella even though I married a Prince Charming too… (*wink* to hubby)
I am my mom’s (and dad’s) daughter.
I live their legacy.
If there is something good in me it must be because God love me soooo much so He gave me my mom, my dad, my brother, my husband, and my community that I can learn so much to be a better woman every day.
It’s a compliment to Mother Mary too because She is the source of example for us all as a woman, wife, and mother.
It’s my love to my dad – because his love to my mom, without my dad’s love, my mom would never be like she is now.
It’s my huge appreciation to my mother in law… Her love, her strength, her faithfulness, her never ending prayers for my husband (and me) make my husband be the man who know how to love God, love his wife, and being an inspiration to many people.
It’s a group hug for all mothers out there… Cordisian’s mom, and all my BFF out there… Like Cinderella’s Mom said: “Magic, believe in magic.” … yes let’s make magic through our faith in God and together we will see the magic God will shows us 🙂
lia mom explorenow15
This to the one and only Mom I have…
Forever I will live your legacy as a mom, and forever I will celebrate life you (and dad) gave me.
Now other words can describe how lucky I am to be your daughter.
My prayers always be with you.
I love you Mama…
Indonesian Mother’s Day, 3 days before Christmas 2015.

 

Soar High – Fly Higher with My Fear

This is crazy. What on earth am I doing here…? I am starting to have hallucination and disorientation after 30hours flying.
Yes… It all started with a song: We are the World and a glance of TV’s advertisement to save children in Africa.
I was 13 years old back then.When I saw that short documentary, there was a deep feeling moving in my heart. I feel like I need to be there. For what? I don’t know. But I just know that I need to be there. If I don’t know what to do, then I just be there helping whatever I can or to be their friend or whatever.
My mom who has been so imaginative to tell me about the world.
She never go outside Indonesia at that time, but she always has a dream to see the world.
So as the first child, her daughter, she pass on that dream to me as a story
She even told the story of Jesus with pictures and map.
She told me about kings, queens, and princess with fairy tales and a map.
She bought a globe to give me pictures and ideas of how big the world you live and most of all how big is our God who created the world.
And then life took me to a decision. I entered Medical School. That desire keep rhyme on the deep side of my heart although it seem fading because I was in a relationship and my boyfriend and I were very different in this kind of point of view…. But honestly I was not fighting enough for what I want in life.

So this idea of knowing many things in this world (as a background) made me here.
Years later… I decided to work again as professionals. This company I work has a program. It’s like CSR program… And this year they manage 4 project to Haiti, Peru, Papua New Guinea, and sorry I forget one of the place.
When I saw this program I know that I have to join this challenging program. But I have to wait 1 year as an employee there before I can join the program.
So after 1 year I submit my self to Peru Volunteers Service Trip (VST) project.
Why Peru? Because at Peru I will volunteers my self as a Primary Health Service at the Women’s Health Clinic. I always have a passion for woman. So here I am… and I will meet poor, uneducated women at Andean Highland.

I observe the movement of my heart from the 1st time I write the submission letter for this VST, when I get interviewed, and when I received the news that I was accepted. And then there was a juggling feeling when I know I put my team in country to a difficult situation because of my VST, but then it was solved… I can go!!!

And then I feel one funny feeling. I say it funny, because I felt this kind of feeling before. But this time it feels soooo different…
One side or maybe I can say 2/3 of my heart feels like paralyze. Can’t move. Numb. Blaming and even cursing myself of the dumb decision that I made which make me have to go more than ten thousand km from my comfort zone.
But on the other side… Small piece of my heart…. Feel that courage. The ability to dance with the fear. To fly with the fear for more than 30hours. The small piece but have a very deep and I can feel it physically how warm that feeling and it feels like I can soar mountain and hugs every woman there with love. I close my eyes and imagine their smile, and it gives me unspeakable strength. Like now. I write this from 35000 feet and I still have 3hours and 35minutes reaching Lima. I am so tired. Physically and I feel like I never reach the destination.
But when we feel that small part of our heart that burn by something deep and meaningful, Esp after I wrote it one by one in this journal… I feel like I am alive again. That’s how strong and powerful the desire of self giving.Yes It all started with a deep desire of a young girl to give herself to humanity in the name of God’s love.

But then, that noble deepest desire fading because too many failures, bad self image, and hurts that made me think why I have to care of somebody else if I can’t feel loved. What can I give? How can I give? I even don’t have myself.
But our creator know the deepest desire of our heart. Like in this trip, I feel that this the sign of God’s faithfulness in my life. He fulfill it customized, one by one, like the way He created us.
TinTin in PeruI have Peru in my heart from years ago… Funny isn’t it? This ‘always European orientation’ gal have a feeling for South America..  I remember  I put Peru in my trip list after I read Tin Tin in America years ago… (Almost at the same time with when I saw that African children on TV).
Since then From time to time I did a research on Inca-Maya stories….
And today yes I visit Peru but to be more specific I will spend 10 days working at CerviCosco Clinic at Cusco which is the heritage city of Inca-Maya heritage.
See how God works not only just give it away?
But He is being soooo specific and detail. All we need is to be specific and detail to what and how we want to make it happen. Especially how that dream can be a blessings for others.
As for me… The process to make that dream come true is my reward. So I have a responsibility to make the result of that dream to be blessings and goodness for others.As I said before… i am afraid, yet excited… Not knowing of what will be happen there, how can I survive, waking up to the unknown… Make me afraid. But knowing that I am here today because of the courage I had yesterday to spend the night and waiting for tomorrow… Hope always there to give us a brand new day…. And in this case… In this VST I choose to dare to live giving something of myself to others. Even when it seems there’s nothing more left to give.

I know God is with me all the way. To whom I shall be afraid?

Writing this with the back ground of song Dare to live (Vivere) from Andrea Bocelli with Laura Pausini

Try looking at tomorrow not yesterday
And all the things you left behind
All those tender words you did not say
The gentle touch you couldn’t find

In these days of nameless faces
There is no one truth but only pieces
My life is all i have to give

Dare to live until the very last
Dare to live forget about the past
Dare to live giving something of yourself to others
Even when it seems there’s nothing more left to give

But if you see a human
In front of your entrance
Who sleeps wrapped in a box,
If you would listen to the world in the morning
Without the noise of the rain.
You are that one who can create with your voice,
You think with the thoughts of people,
Of the God who is just the God.

To live, no one has ever taught it,
To live, it’s impossible to live without the past,
To live is beautiful even if you have never asked for.
It will be a song, someone will sing it.

Dare to live searching for the ones you love,
(Why, why, why, why are you not living tonight?)
Dare to live no one but we all,
(Why, why, why, why are you not living now?)
Dare to live until the very last,
(Why, why, why is the life not the life?)
Your life is all you have to give (Because)
You have not lived the life!

Dare to live until the very last,
(Why, why, why is the life not the life?)
Your life is all you have to give (Because)
You have never lived.

I will say no (I will say yes)
Say dare to live
Dare to live

16 Oktober 2014
Flight LA to Lima

Courage: Me and My Sparky Way :-)

Courage is one of my values in life beside Hope, Honest, and Generosity.

Last nite I watched Oprah interview with Barbara Walters about 2 years ago. As you know that I love Oprah so much. But some of her statement made me think again… and found out really courage is a grace. Because for even someone like Oprah, doesn’t dare to take a courage step or commitment that for me is essential.

Courage word is originally from Old French corage (French: courage), from Latin cor (“heart”) (for Cordisian: do this word ring a bell?). Distantly related to cardiac (“of the heart”), which is from Greek, but from the same Proto-Indo-European root. Defiinision of courage is: “The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.”

ImageThis morning in the way to office, I reflect things in my life… and I urged to write what I have in mind about courage…. and here it is in my broken English…

A blessing in disguise in the middle of Jakarta’s traffic and flood:

Courage in My Mind

Courage is when you come to the altar of God to say a vow in front of God and so many people that you will give yourself to the man/ woman in front of you freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully. You are dare to face every expectation and sacrifice because you are ready to be a gift for the one you love.

Courage is knowing that you will give yourself at the edge of death to give birth to the fruit of love. And you are willing to do it over and over again in the name of love.

Courage is when you are willing to give all yourselves with nothing in return and give 100% of yourselves. Not less than that to make another person happy.

Courage is when you know that you would go beyond  and maybe to a very uncomfortable state of your life… But you still do it because you know that you were born with a big plan from your Creator and we are responsible to give a fullest expression of ourselves as a man/woman on earth.

Courage is when you can say with a tremble voice and humble heart: keep on using me Lord till You use me up.

-in the middle of flood everywhere in Jakarta with my little tiny Chevy Sparks-

Oh yeah… me and my little Sparky are courages!!!

Story of Faith: The Blessed Barren Woman

The writing below is a rewriting in English. So many feed back from this writing came and make me think that I have to make this one in English. Forgive my one two three English grammar ya.. As the writing said that nothing is impossible, I believe nothing is impossible for you to understand this one… hahaha…

——————————————————————————————————————

Unfruitful, Lack of LifeMy name is Lia Brasali Ariefano.
I was born with the name Elizabeth Lia Indahyani.
As I write this, I’ve been married for 8 years and 11 months.
To this day I have not had children.
In medical, this condition called infertility.
Or … The world says I am B A R R E N.

I understand why Sarah laughed when she heard God’s news through His angels told Abraham that she would conceive.
Luke tells us that Elizabet will also pregnant. Angel of the Lord also came to Elizabet’s husband Zakaria, and said that his wife who already had her menopause and in her old  age will get a son and they shall name him John.
No bitter words came out from their mouths. But I’m sure as a woman who understands the nature of womanhood,  they had an up and down feeling because of the label as infertile women. Sara and Elizabeth certainly had  the temptation to ask: “How is it possible?”  The nowdays language is: Mission Impossible hehe ..

Advent comes from the Latin Advenīre (ad-to + venīre to come) which means the coming or arrival, especially for someone that we look forward to.
More than 8 years my husband and I looking forward to the arrival of a child, the fruitful of our love. I am the type of woman who don’t like children. In fact there was a time I think I didn’t want to have children because they only giving me trouble and obstruct my freedom. And that’s not good for my career. But the grace of God brought me to the joy of the truth that makes me  willing to receive as many as what God’s wants to give us children. In fact I want children in our family at least 4 hehehhe
The reality today … not event 1 child ever present in my womb. Sometimes I think, is this a punishment for my sins because I’d promised myself not to have children?

Infertile or barren means unfruitful / unproductive means: lacking in liveliness or interest.
Hhhhmmmm … by definition, that’s my condition today. No wonder so many women are distressed by this situation.
No wonder Sara released permit to her husband to have a descent which is very important in their tradition.
Not told in detail what passed with Elizabeth’s struggles. But her position as a wife of a prominent priest, definitely gave her its own pressures.

Judged not to be able to bear fruit or unproductive as a woman,  make us feel that our existence as a women seems to be teared and  make us (or for me at least) think that we are “unuseful” wife.

But the mercy of the Most High God shaped my life in ways that I never thought and imagined. Because of the mercy, once again … only with compassion and mercy of the Lord, every day feels like Advent for me.
I missed the presence of children, just like other women, but today it no longer yearning painful, but actually freeing to know that my calling as a woman is not only determined by the body’s ability to conceive and bear a child.

My womanhood’s calling come to the fullest  when I able to receive the love of God, open my heart to the love God completely.
The calling of my womanhood became real, when I gave birth to the fruit of God’s love through my life’s mission (now I am preparing the 4th and another ‘solo’ book)
Womanhood for me is alive when I can give back the love that I receive from the Lord to the people around me in the form of a work.
If today I have not been blessed with a child, it was not because of sin / curse / reward for what I do. When I turn to God and ask forgiveness, I believe God He never remember my sins. My husband “fishing analogy” that  God  have thrown our sins away into the deepest ocean and provide the sign on that spot: ” No Fishing here!!! ”
I believe with a full heart (this is also the process yeee … hehehe) if today I do not have children who were born from my womb yet, I feel that I’ve had a lot of children.
Yes, for me I feel that the calling of motherhood is not just defined by the biological mother.

I feel alive and fruitful when I am in the middle of the community that God has given to me to be a place to share my life.  I’m so blessed to be in the midst of the people who continue to support me to pull out the best of me.
I feel so passionate and productive when I was there in the classroom, in the laboratory, in my study, or when I sit on my work desk also when I meet people outhere. My heart beat so loud… wants to give sign sooo vivid and alive of the  joy and hope I can pass on to humanity through medical science that I learned.
I feel so perfect every time God’s love touches me through the presence of my husband, my parents, my brother,sister, and niece,  the Cordisians, also so many friends who love me. For these blessings can I complain for more?

There is a saying: better to be loved than love someone without reciprocation. Is that so? Because not many women can accept love, even it sounds  so easy. You will never be satisfied to be loved until the heart first  being formed and restored by the grace and love of God.

Through whatever happen in my life today, there is no other word that I can say other than: Thanks be to God.
Infertility  makes everyday an Advent for me.
This situation shows me from time to time that the power of God is greater than our weakness. This “mission impossible” (ie: make me become pregnant hehehe …) taught me to be a woman of faith in God and work my faith without any back up plan. Yes, no back up plan!

Yes, again …

My name is Lia Brasali Ariefano.fruitful_pop
I was born with the name Elizabeth Lia Indahyani. While writing this, I’ve been married for 8 years and 11 months. By God’s mercy I receive His love. Through the grace of the Most High God, He changes me, and He renews my heart. Too often the world said I am stupid for choosing to follow God and His commandments of God through the teachings of the church.
I believe my faith in God  who keeps my hope alive will make the world someday call me: BLESSED.

Together in the Lord, He will make me like a tree planted by streams of water, which produces fruit and leaves that are not wilted. At that time the world will see the wonder and shouts of joy  and the Love of God will fill the hearts of many people because we know that infertility is not a mission impossible for our God.

“Happy Advent” to all ‘barren’ woman out there (I know today is not December of course hehehe…)
With the love of Jesus we are never barren on His sight.
We are woman with special plan from God. We are called to be fruitful in many ways.
With God nothin ‘such Mission Impossible, cause anything is possible!

-The blessed Lia-

yaayyyyy…