Moment of Truth: Somewhere in My Wicked, Miserable Past

“So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good”

This is a lyric from a song from Sound of Music movie.
My favorite movie, until some point I think I ‘possessed’ by that movie hahahaha…
I don’t why this two line stuck in my head this passed 5 days and it keeps playin’ till this second.
when I reflect these words, I feel that the lyric so alive in me.
I decided to write something on it and I hope it will stop bugging me.
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“Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth

I have a beautiful childhood, but then back in my youth time, I can say I’m not proud with myself at all.
I was so desolate, sensitive, inferior, low self esteem, bad self image, people pleaser, coward, stupid (literally), timid, couldn’t express my opinion, even when I write this one by one I don’t like ‘her’ at all.
Then something happened – a huge storm came into my life (read: https://whittulipe.wordpress.com/2016/03/13/dance-with-my-father-a-memoir-prolog/) and changed me to a dominating woman, selfish, still bad self image but with a extreme feminist expression, full of hatred and pain, manipulating, using,and insensitive.
Imagine that kind of woman as your friend…
yeahh.. I know… me sucks rite…?

But then as the lyric said:
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth”

I don’t know when, but somewhere in my wicked, miserable past – there must have been a moment of truth.
The moment of truth that led me to who I am today.
I remember I was so frustrated with my self. I knew that I have to change but I just didn’t know how, and where to start.
So I started with baby step.
I made a commitment to my self not to say a negative/ complain comments. I have to keep my mouth shut and if want to say something, think again twice, and ask again why I have to say that… I have to teach my self and draw my self to a zero point between positive and negative.
… and the miracle start to happen when you start to work and Grace of of God become so powerful when you start to let go your own understanding.

For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
But somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

Today all I can say is… I still have to work on myself.
I still a woman in between – sharp in so many area (the way I talk, sometime I know it can hurt other’s feeling), I have to work on my dominating attitude.
I have to learn to be patient. I have to fight my laziness and selfishness. I have to go out from my comfort zone and work hard to give more of my self to others.
The courage that I live today.
The joy that I have today.
The blessing that come in my way.
I know that I must have done something good.

… and that something is let God be God in my life.
Let Jesus be a King that take over all my weakness and limitation.
I can testify how God is so good.
How He is a merciful God.
How He performed miracle somewhere in my youth.
Yes… again… I must have done something good.

That something good has a name.
And His name is Jesus.

Reflection of Lent Season 2018
(LbA)

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Black Doted “Flintstones’s Stick” Scars

There is a story behind what I wrote few days ago: “Until certain point – pain and scar are not frightening, but become an entry point to testify how God works through it. When you see it that way, you will feel more beautiful and strong! Only by God’s grace.”

Let me tell you a story about my calves.
I have problem with this part of my body since my teenager.
It’s big and remind me to Flintstones’s stick and I use to say that it’s more like ‘betis abang becak’ than betis a woman. All my teenage year I grew up with a believe that those calves are ugly!


Yes there you go… and then comes those black doted scars – I’ve been struggling with those scars for sometime. It makes my calves even uglier than before. For months I hide it with trousers, stocking, or long skirt – I told people that I like wearing it but I know deep inside I want to cover something that really hurt my self image.

I know maybe I was too much but I couldn’t stop that feeling.
I thought it was a simple thing that I have to learn to accept – I live with border line diabetis and as a medical doctor I know that those scars will stay after I recover from wounds. But still that knowledge didn’t help me to make peace with it at all.
Then I asked God to help me deal with it. I quite hesitant to do that at first – I mean hey this only a scar issue and it located on my calves, not on my face, I feel too much to bring it to a prayer. But I did it anyway – hey nothing to loose, it’s ‘only’ a prayer.

But then something happen slowly but sure.
Somehow God reminds me to the cause of those black doted scars.
I got bites from Sand Flies when I did my Inca Trail at Machu Pichu.
I went to Cusco Peru for a social project help women to get tested for Cervical Cencer Screening. It was a 2 weeks mission and at the end of the mission the people from clinic took us to Machu Pichu. They told us about the possibility of Sand Flies bites (read:https://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowTopic-g294318-i3352-k1480029-Bug_bites_from_MP-Machu_Picchu_Sacred_Valley_Cusco_Region.html) but me and my ignorance – I thought : “Aahhh it just a bug. I have mosquito biting me all my life and I am ok…” That ignorance lead me to a struggle 😛yeahhh stubborn me!

God reminds me that I got that wounds when I did a mission to live a passion that God gave in my heart.
Yes it’s messy and gross (you should see it when it still infected) and it became scars but every time I look at that Black Doted “Flintstones’s Stick” Scars, it reminds me how God is faithful to me, how God’s grace fill me with courage to travel 17,800km to meet God’s people there and sharing life with them. For me this scar become a sign of how God loves me and He wants me to be happy.

Yes until certain point – pain and scar are not frightening, but become an entry point to testify how God works through it. When you see it that way, you will feel more beautiful and strong!

Only by God’s grace.

Armageddon: A Battle Between My Past and My Present (how to move on from the past)

Dari semalam saya mellow banget gara-gara liatin foto-foto Europe. Terus sekarang Hujan nambahin  mellow below.
Jadi mulai korek-korek lagu masa lalu yang kalau kita denger terasa adem dan pengen narik nafas panjang.

Apapun artinya itu.

Dari tadi muter lagu nya Aerosmith – I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing gara-gara waktu itu Saya nonton film Armagedon sama mantan Saya (lagu itu jadi soundtracknya) dan kemudian lagu itu jadi lagu yang Saya suka karena ngga lama setelah itu dia pergi sekolah ke luar negeri dan belum tahu rencana ke depan kami gimana.

Armageddon

Waktu itu kami ngga nonton berduaan. Kami nonton bersama dengan 2 teman Saya. Satunya teman cewek Saya, dan yang satu lagi teman cowok saya. Mereka pacaran juga, jadi ceritanya kami double date waktu itu dan ngga nyangka bertahun-tahun kemudian – teman  yang cowok  kemudian menjadi suami Saya hihihihihi… Uppssss… beneran ngga nyangka ya what life can bring to you…

Anyway… kita perempuan adalah makhluk relational dan emotional. Bersama dengan relasi itu, emosi yang menyertai relasi itu selalu ada dan tinggal dalam hati kita. Kadang itu terasa indah, tetapi kadang ada yang terlalu menyakitkan. Kadang kita dapat merasakannya, kadang rasa itu terlalu menyakitkan untuk dikenang sehingga kita memilih untuk ‘melupakannya’. Sampai satu titik di mana kita ngga bisa move on dan sampai pada kesimpulan: hidupku atau kebahagiaanku sudah berakhir waktu itu semua berakhir di masa lalu kita.

I was one of those women who think that way.

Contohnya: paling nyata adalah hari ini. Waktu saya mendengarkan lagu I don’t want to miss a thing tadi, ada rasa nyaman dalam hati Saya. Rasanya this is so right. The ambiance, the melody and lyric… This is soooo me!

Tapi apakah Saya merasa kangen dengan mantan Saya waktu itu…? No… hahahaha… My God! Dia sudah beristri dan beranak pinak, dan Saya sudah bersuami. Tetapi seakan-akan rasa itu ada and sometime it feels so real until I feel the pain in my heart. But then I know, that is just my emotional illusion – kayak sakaw gitu…

Saya ngga lagi punya perasaan terhadap mantan Saya. Yang Saya kangen adalah my emotion at that time, bertahun-tahun lalu di tahun 1997, waktu Saya madly in love with him, dan kami baru saja jadian, dan waktu kita harus menghadapi kenyataan bahwa kami akan menjalani LDR.

Soooo… it was that feeling – rasa nyaman – yang meninggalkan informasi dalam otak saya, dan rasa itu seperti Dopamine yang memancing reward system dalam otak Saya. Informasi itulah yang tertinggal Saat ini dan merupakan salah satu ‘release’ yang membuat rasanya terasa ‘nyaman’ dan ‘benar’.

Kalau hari ini Saya ditanya apakah Saya ingin kembali ke masa-masa itu…? Hhhhmmm jawaban Saya dengan pasti TIDAK. That was one day in my life and I cherish that moment as I cherish his presence in my life. Hari ini ada karena hari kemarin, semua yang terjadi yang boleh memberikan informasi dalam ingatan kita, itulah yang harus kita utilize untuk hari ini yang lebih baik, karena hari esok ada karena adanya hari ini.

Dari berbagai Seminar soal relationship yang Saya dan Suami Saya lakukan bersama, banyak pertanyaan bagaimana caranya move on from the past. Buat Saya move on artinya dengan kehendak bebas Saya, dan bergantung pada kekuatan rahmat Tuhan melangkahkan kaki Saya. Setapak demi setapak. Berdamai dengan apa yang ada kemarin, melihat semua peristiwa lalu sebagai gambaran pelatihan hati dan peyadaran diri bahwa kita adalah manusia rapuh yang berbuat kesalahan, saling menyakiti, dan terkadang tidak mampu menghargai moment-moment dalam hidup kita. Tetapi seperti Allah memerintahkan Lot dan keluarganya untuk tidak melihat kebelakang dalam konteks dosa – Allah yang sama juga mau kita semua melihat ke depan karena ada janji rancangan damai sejahtera dan sukacita bagi orang-orang yang mengasihi Allah dan menggantungkan harapannya hanya kepada Tuhan.

Capture1.JPGDon’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
‘Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

‘Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

Yes… I don’t want to miss a thing.
I don’t want to miss a single little thing of my life. Live your life today to the fullest because your life is a poetry. Written by God who wants to write beautiful stories of your life.

Common Princess – don’t be bullied by the devil and continue to wallow in the mud of the past that makes you unable to see the beauty of tomorrow.It is a battle, and with God will win it and we can see how the wound from the past can be a story of how faithful our God is… Don’t loose hope and enjoy the beauty of God’s promises in our life.

LbA.

5 Things I Learn from Conjuring 2

As a little girl I love Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, that kinda girl stuff at my time. But not many people know (even my parents) that I love horror movies too.
It’s rare for a young age children esp for a girl.
Horror movie that I like the most is: The Exorcism: Emily Rose.
I even write my review of it on this blog too: https://whittulipe.wordpress.com/2007/02/26/choose-to-be-chosen/…
The other is: Amityville http://www.warrens.net/Amityville.html. It’s about a story from November 13, 1974, In Amityville, New York when Ronald Defeo burst into Harry’s Bar screaming his parents had been shot. Police discovered the bodies of 6 members of the DeFeo family: Father, mother, and 4 of the 5 Defeo children were found, Face Down, executed in their beds. Ronald claimed he wasn’t home during the murders and only discovered the bodies of his parents prior to arriving at Harry’s Bar. But after Police found a gun box for a 35-Marlin Rifle in Ronald’s Room, he subsequincially confessed. After a lengthy trial Ronald DeFeo Was found guilty of the heinous murders. And was sentenced to 6 consecutive life sentences.
I’m not a movie critiques but I’m quite critical when it comes to horror movies esp. in terms of storyline and how they make it. I hate being shocked by a sudden appearance or loud sound. For me it’s cheap and not creative at all! (hhhmmm… how can you make a creativity in horror movie?). That’s why I tend to watch horror movie that only based on a true story.
Last nite I found the 3rd one that I like so far. CONJURING 2. I watched the 1st sequel. It’s from the true story based on the story of Ed and Lorraine Warren – a couple husband and wife who dedicated their life to help people who experience demonic attack in their life. In previous Conjuring Lorraine said that what they’re doing was a calling and God brought them together for a reason.
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I learn at least these 5 things from the movie Conjuring 2:
1. Ed said to Lorraine when they were soooo frighten with case they have to handle: “We don’t leave the fight!” God gave us a calling in every one of us.
Our task is to look what our mission is in this world and do the fight for our mission. Of course the devil don’t want us to find that “treasure” (read: our calling/ life mission) because when we find it, the devil know that something good, even something great will happen for the glory of God.
Soooo… devil will do anything to make us run from the fight. I was reminded once again… I know my life mission… to proclaim hope (one of it) through writing. Therefore I don’t leave the fight! (something happened when I drafted this writing) – I write this reflection down!
2. Ed said to Lorraine when he was trap on the basement and he has to save Janet – (Lorraine beg him to wait for her so they can go together to save Janet… but Ed was run out of time…) Ed said: “I love you Lorraine, but I have to go…!”
I am a wife from a man with missions. I learn once again, that when I married a man with God’s mission in his heart, I have to learn (once again) to let him go to fight the battle for a greater cause and believe with all my heart that God is with him. I am loved but it’s not all about me. I have to take care of myself and depending fully and only to God.
I was reminded once again to be a woman of faith!
3. One afternoon when Lorraine was reading the bible and accompany her daughter playing, she got the vision of the demon. The attack was so real and when Lorraine asked for the demon’s name… the demon’s said something like a clue of it’s name. What I learn is: Identify the name of your fear. Identify each and every single detail of your enemy. Identify the name of the demon!
I was reminded once again of the important from a name. A name is a hidden mission of you.
4. In one of the scene, Ed had a time with Jane (the girl who possessed) and Ed told her a story about his childhood. Young Ed was very afraid of the dark and he thinks that someone hiding under his bed. One day, he feels that his hands were pulled by something under his bed and he ran out from his room toward his dad’s room. Instead of make Ed calm, his dad told Ed to go back to his room and said to Ed: “You have to face the fear” and then Ed’s dad gave him the cross neck less that Ed’s wore until that day. Once again I learn:
To eliminate the fear, you have to face it! Look it in the eye of the enemy and say to that enemy: “God is with me, whom shall I fear?”
5. At the end of the story… Janet finally set free from the stranglehold of the demons. Janet said to The Warrens, that because of they trust on her, they came back and ‘saved’ her, now she has 2 people whom she know love her. The final scene the I clenched my fist and felt soooo satisfy was when Lorraine shout: “In the name of The Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit, ……….. (she shout the devil’s name) you go back to hell!” … and the demon’s ran out and cast away. Before that happen The Warren already decided to go back to their home because they don’t have enough evidence of the presence of the demon – but because of the wisdom God’s gave them and the love they have in their heart to this family who attacked by the demon, they came back right in time when the big attack happened there. Yes love can win anything… even the power that we think we can not face. Love always wins! That the password that never fail!
I’m not writing this to promote this movie. Noooo… not at all.
But I only want us to remember once again, don’t be consumed by the lies of the devil. The devil is the king of lies. Don’t let it bully you and make your focus shifting from the love and the mighty power of God.
Always remember: The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1).
Stay focus on the love of God
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)
AMEN!
A writing of consolation after watching horror movies.

 

Armageddon: A Battle between My Past and My Present

Hujan dari semalam membuat Saya merasa mellow below.
Jadi mulai korek-korek lagu masa lalu yang kalau kita denger terasa adem dan pengen narik nafas panjang. Apapun artinya itu.
Dari tadi muter lagu nya Aerosmith – I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing gara-gara waktu itu Saya nonton film Armagedon sama mantan Saya (lagu itu jadi soundtracknya) dan kemudian lagu itu jadi lagu yang Saya suka karena ngga lama setelah itu dia pergi sekolah ke luar negeri dan belum tahu rencana ke depan kami gimana.
Waktu itu kami ngga nonton berduaan. Kami nonton bersama dengan 2 sahabat Saya. Satunya Sahabat cewek Saya, dan yang satu lagi Sahabat cowok saya bersama dengan pacarnya saat itu. Yang kemudian ternyata, bertahun-tahun kemudian – Sahabat cowok itu kemudian menjadi suami Saya hihihihihi… *yeeeeemanaketeheeeee*

Anyway… kita perempuan adalah makhluk relational dan emotional. Bersama dengan relasi itu, emosi yang menyertai relasi itu selalu ada dan tinggal dalam hati kita. Kadang itu terasa indah, tetapi kadang ada yang terlalu menyakitkan. Kadang kita dapat merasakannya, kadang rasa itu terlalu menyakitkan untuk dikenang sehingga kita memilih untuk ‘melupakannya’. Sampai satu titik di mana kita ngga bisa move on dan sampai pada kesimpulan: hidupku atau kebahagiaanku sudah berakhir waktu itu semua berakhir di masa lalu kita.

I was one of those women who think that way.

Contohnya: paling nyata adalah hari ini. Waktu saya mendengarkan lagu I don’t want to miss a thing tadi, ada rasa nyaman dalam hati Saya. Rasanya this is so right. The ambiance, the melody and lyric… This is soooo me! Tapi apakah Saya merasa kangen dengan mantan Saya waktu itu…? No… hahahaha… My God! Dia sudah beristri dan Saya sudah bersuami. Tetapi seakan-akan rasa itu ada. I came to an understanding when I want to get out from my own emotional illusion.
Saya ngga lagi punya perasaan terhadap mantan Saya. Yang Saya kangen adalah my emotion at that time, bertahun-tahun lalu di tahun 1998, di mana Saya madly in love with him, dan kami baru saja jadian, dan waktu kita harus menghadapi kenyataan Saya akan ditinggal dan kami akan LDR.
Soooo… it was that feeling – rasa nyaman – yang meninggalkan informasi dalam otak saya, dan rasa itu seperti Dopamine yang memancing reward system dalam otak Saya. Informasi itulah yang tertinggal Saat ini dan merupakan salah satu ‘release’ yang membuat rasanya terasa ‘nyaman’ dan ‘benar’.
Kalau hari ini Saya ditanya apakah Saya ingin kembali ke masa-masa itu…? Hhhhmmm jawaban Saya dengan pasti TIDAK. That was one day in my life and I cherish that moment as I cherish his presence in my life. Hari ini ada karena hari kemarin, semua yang terjadi yang boleh memberikan informasi dalam ingatan kita, itulah yang harus kita utilize untuk hari ini yang lebih baik, karena hari esok ada karena adanya hari ini.
Dari berbagai Seminar soal relationship yang Saya dan Suami Saya lakukan bersama, banyak pertanyaan bagaimana caranya move on from the past. Buat Saya move on artinya dengan kehendak bebas Saya, dan bergantung pada kekuatan rahmat Tuhan melangkahkan kaki Saya. Setapak demi setapak. Berdamai dengan apa yang ada kemarin, melihat semua peristiwa lalu sebagai gambaran pelatihan hati dan peyadaran diri bahwa kita adalah manusia rapuh yang berbuat kesalahan, saling menyakiti, dan terkadang tidak mampu menghargai moment-moment dalam hidup kita. Tetapi seperti Allah memerintahkan Lot dan keluarganya untuk tidak melihat kebelakang dalam konteks dosa, kehidupan masa lalu, dan semua yang telah dimusnahkan Allah saat itu – Allah yang sama juga mau kita semua melihat ke depan karena ada janji rancangan damai sejahtera dan sukacita bagi orang-orang yang mengasihi Allah dan menggantungkan harapannya hanya kepada Tuhan.

ArmageddonDon’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
‘Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
‘Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

Yes… I don’t want to miss a thing.
I don’t want to miss a single little thing of my life.
Live your life to the fullest because your life is a poetry. Written by God who wants to write beautiful stories of your life.

Common Princess – don’t be bullied by the devil and continue to wallow in the mud of the past that makes you unable to see the beauty of tomorrow. It’s our battle yang akan membawa kita kepada seperti apa hari ini atau hari esok kita hidupi.  Don’t make evil crippled us with our past and we can’t see the beauty of sunshine in your life.

The beauty of God’s promises in our life.

Courage: Me and My Sparky Way :-)

Courage is one of my values in life beside Hope, Honest, and Generosity.

Last nite I watched Oprah interview with Barbara Walters about 2 years ago. As you know that I love Oprah so much. But some of her statement made me think again… and found out really courage is a grace. Because for even someone like Oprah, doesn’t dare to take a courage step or commitment that for me is essential.

Courage word is originally from Old French corage (French: courage), from Latin cor (“heart”) (for Cordisian: do this word ring a bell?). Distantly related to cardiac (“of the heart”), which is from Greek, but from the same Proto-Indo-European root. Defiinision of courage is: “The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.”

ImageThis morning in the way to office, I reflect things in my life… and I urged to write what I have in mind about courage…. and here it is in my broken English…

A blessing in disguise in the middle of Jakarta’s traffic and flood:

Courage in My Mind

Courage is when you come to the altar of God to say a vow in front of God and so many people that you will give yourself to the man/ woman in front of you freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully. You are dare to face every expectation and sacrifice because you are ready to be a gift for the one you love.

Courage is knowing that you will give yourself at the edge of death to give birth to the fruit of love. And you are willing to do it over and over again in the name of love.

Courage is when you are willing to give all yourselves with nothing in return and give 100% of yourselves. Not less than that to make another person happy.

Courage is when you know that you would go beyond  and maybe to a very uncomfortable state of your life… But you still do it because you know that you were born with a big plan from your Creator and we are responsible to give a fullest expression of ourselves as a man/woman on earth.

Courage is when you can say with a tremble voice and humble heart: keep on using me Lord till You use me up.

-in the middle of flood everywhere in Jakarta with my little tiny Chevy Sparks-

Oh yeah… me and my little Sparky are courages!!!

Story of Faith: The Blessed Barren Woman

The writing below is a rewriting in English. So many feed back from this writing came and make me think that I have to make this one in English. Forgive my one two three English grammar ya.. As the writing said that nothing is impossible, I believe nothing is impossible for you to understand this one… hahaha…

——————————————————————————————————————

Unfruitful, Lack of LifeMy name is Lia Brasali Ariefano.
I was born with the name Elizabeth Lia Indahyani.
As I write this, I’ve been married for 8 years and 11 months.
To this day I have not had children.
In medical, this condition called infertility.
Or … The world says I am B A R R E N.

I understand why Sarah laughed when she heard God’s news through His angels told Abraham that she would conceive.
Luke tells us that Elizabet will also pregnant. Angel of the Lord also came to Elizabet’s husband Zakaria, and said that his wife who already had her menopause and in her old  age will get a son and they shall name him John.
No bitter words came out from their mouths. But I’m sure as a woman who understands the nature of womanhood,  they had an up and down feeling because of the label as infertile women. Sara and Elizabeth certainly had  the temptation to ask: “How is it possible?”  The nowdays language is: Mission Impossible hehe ..

Advent comes from the Latin Advenīre (ad-to + venīre to come) which means the coming or arrival, especially for someone that we look forward to.
More than 8 years my husband and I looking forward to the arrival of a child, the fruitful of our love. I am the type of woman who don’t like children. In fact there was a time I think I didn’t want to have children because they only giving me trouble and obstruct my freedom. And that’s not good for my career. But the grace of God brought me to the joy of the truth that makes me  willing to receive as many as what God’s wants to give us children. In fact I want children in our family at least 4 hehehhe
The reality today … not event 1 child ever present in my womb. Sometimes I think, is this a punishment for my sins because I’d promised myself not to have children?

Infertile or barren means unfruitful / unproductive means: lacking in liveliness or interest.
Hhhhmmmm … by definition, that’s my condition today. No wonder so many women are distressed by this situation.
No wonder Sara released permit to her husband to have a descent which is very important in their tradition.
Not told in detail what passed with Elizabeth’s struggles. But her position as a wife of a prominent priest, definitely gave her its own pressures.

Judged not to be able to bear fruit or unproductive as a woman,  make us feel that our existence as a women seems to be teared and  make us (or for me at least) think that we are “unuseful” wife.

But the mercy of the Most High God shaped my life in ways that I never thought and imagined. Because of the mercy, once again … only with compassion and mercy of the Lord, every day feels like Advent for me.
I missed the presence of children, just like other women, but today it no longer yearning painful, but actually freeing to know that my calling as a woman is not only determined by the body’s ability to conceive and bear a child.

My womanhood’s calling come to the fullest  when I able to receive the love of God, open my heart to the love God completely.
The calling of my womanhood became real, when I gave birth to the fruit of God’s love through my life’s mission (now I am preparing the 4th and another ‘solo’ book)
Womanhood for me is alive when I can give back the love that I receive from the Lord to the people around me in the form of a work.
If today I have not been blessed with a child, it was not because of sin / curse / reward for what I do. When I turn to God and ask forgiveness, I believe God He never remember my sins. My husband “fishing analogy” that  God  have thrown our sins away into the deepest ocean and provide the sign on that spot: ” No Fishing here!!! ”
I believe with a full heart (this is also the process yeee … hehehe) if today I do not have children who were born from my womb yet, I feel that I’ve had a lot of children.
Yes, for me I feel that the calling of motherhood is not just defined by the biological mother.

I feel alive and fruitful when I am in the middle of the community that God has given to me to be a place to share my life.  I’m so blessed to be in the midst of the people who continue to support me to pull out the best of me.
I feel so passionate and productive when I was there in the classroom, in the laboratory, in my study, or when I sit on my work desk also when I meet people outhere. My heart beat so loud… wants to give sign sooo vivid and alive of the  joy and hope I can pass on to humanity through medical science that I learned.
I feel so perfect every time God’s love touches me through the presence of my husband, my parents, my brother,sister, and niece,  the Cordisians, also so many friends who love me. For these blessings can I complain for more?

There is a saying: better to be loved than love someone without reciprocation. Is that so? Because not many women can accept love, even it sounds  so easy. You will never be satisfied to be loved until the heart first  being formed and restored by the grace and love of God.

Through whatever happen in my life today, there is no other word that I can say other than: Thanks be to God.
Infertility  makes everyday an Advent for me.
This situation shows me from time to time that the power of God is greater than our weakness. This “mission impossible” (ie: make me become pregnant hehehe …) taught me to be a woman of faith in God and work my faith without any back up plan. Yes, no back up plan!

Yes, again …

My name is Lia Brasali Ariefano.fruitful_pop
I was born with the name Elizabeth Lia Indahyani. While writing this, I’ve been married for 8 years and 11 months. By God’s mercy I receive His love. Through the grace of the Most High God, He changes me, and He renews my heart. Too often the world said I am stupid for choosing to follow God and His commandments of God through the teachings of the church.
I believe my faith in God  who keeps my hope alive will make the world someday call me: BLESSED.

Together in the Lord, He will make me like a tree planted by streams of water, which produces fruit and leaves that are not wilted. At that time the world will see the wonder and shouts of joy  and the Love of God will fill the hearts of many people because we know that infertility is not a mission impossible for our God.

“Happy Advent” to all ‘barren’ woman out there (I know today is not December of course hehehe…)
With the love of Jesus we are never barren on His sight.
We are woman with special plan from God. We are called to be fruitful in many ways.
With God nothin ‘such Mission Impossible, cause anything is possible!

-The blessed Lia-

yaayyyyy…

GG’s Love and Life Celebration (5)

Minggu Paskah, minggu yang mendung.

Saya ingat hari itu hujan deras, dan siang ke sore itu kami berdua berkumpul bersama dengan beberapa teman dekat sambil ngopi. Lalu ada berita lagi yang mengatakan Grace kondisinya makin menurun. Kami kembali mampir ke Carolus, dan menemui kedua orang tua Grace, dan tentu saja Grace. Malam ini keluarga besar mama nya Grace juga ada di situ menemani.
Rm. Deshi Ramadhani SJ juga datang mampir dan malam ini kami semua berdoa bersama di sekitar inkubator Grace. Dalam doa, sekali lagi Grace menyapa saya dengan pengertian bahwa perjuangan dan sakit bukan suatu kekalahan, tetapi perjuangan. Dan siapapun kita bahkan yang kita pikir terlemah sekalipun mampu untuk berjuang.
Kembali saya teringat pada janin-janin yang digugurkan dengan alasan apapun, betapa janin-janin ini berharap bisa punya kesempatan untuk hidup, dan membuktikan betapa mereka mempunyai kekuatan untuk hidup bila saja diberi kesempatan, dan kembali hati saya terasa begitu sakit dan merasakan betapa Grace juga bersyafaat untuk teman-temannya, para janin yang tidak punya kesempatan untuk hidup.

Senin pagi, saya sudah sibuk dengan rutinintas kantor. Menjelang makan siang, sebuah foto masuk ke whatsapp saya, foto Grace dengan topi putih sedang tersenyum. Tanpa sadar air mata saya menetes di tengah keramaian teman-teman kerja saya yang sedang berdiskusi. Waktu mereka bertanya kenapa, saya hanya berkata: ”Terharu atas semangat hidup seseorang yang dunia pikir tidak layak hidup.“
Setelah itu saya tidak terpikir Grace sama sekali karena hari itu sibuk luar biasa. Tetapi sekitar jam 18 dalam perjalanan menuju kelas Donum Certum yang hari itu membahas Humanae Vitae, sebuah ensilkik gereja yang membahas soal kehidupan, ada whatsapp masuk dari papa Grace yang berkata: “Grace menurun terus.“
Saya cuma menanggapi: “Ahhh si Grace mah biasa, kalau malam suka menurun, ntar juga baik lagi.“

Tetapi di tengah meeting, sekita jam 22.30 malam, ada berita dari papa Grace: “Grace sudah pergi, pulang ke rumah Bapa di Surga.”

Saya hanya bisa menarik nafas waktu itu dan rasanya ingin segera bergegas pergi ke Carolus untuk melihat Grace, tetapi karena rapat belum selesai, saya berusaha duduk manis biarpun sudah sangat gelisah.

When it comes to the end of a journey, I am wondering… what should I say? Is it the end?

For me it is not the end.
It’s a beginning.
It’s a strong statement of God’s inclusion and faithfulness in this family.

It’s a love and love celebration of GG: Grace Gloria.

To be continued: Fly with Your Wings Little Angel Grace Gloria

Triduum: From Suffering to Victory (4)

Hari Kamis putih saat Yesus ada di perjamuan terakhir dan membasuh kaki murid-muridnya dan memberikan amanah suci: “Lakukanlah ini demi mengenangkan daku.” Saat itu Grace seperti berkata kepada saya melalui perjuangan hidupnya: “Setiap kali engkau melihat kehidupan baru, kenanglah perjuangan hidupku, dan lakukanlah seperti yang telah orang tuaku lakukan. Membela kehidupanku dan mencintai aku.”

Waktu saya merasa Grace meninggalkan pesan dan kesan itu, saya tersenyum. Satu lagi pengertian saya dapatkan. Terkadang banyak orang tua yang mendapati bahwa anak dalam kandungan ibunya terbentuk tidak sempurna, memutuskan untuk melakukan terminasi kehamilan (read: aborsi). Mereka memutuskan dengan alas an yang sangat bijaksana: “Kasian anak itu. Daripada punya hidup yang menderita.”
Tetapi pertanyaan yang lebih mendasar daripada alas an ini: yang kasihan itu siapa? Apakah benar anak itu? Atau calon orang tua itu lebih tepatnya mengasihani dirinya sendiri atau tidak sanggup menahan malu karena membayangkan seumur hidup akan ‘terbeban’ dengan anak yang sehat secara fisik/mental.
Apakah benar keputusan terminasi itu diputuskan karena benar-benar yakin 100% bahwa anak ini tidak pernah akan merasa bahagia bila dia hidup di dunia? Apakah benar kita/ calon orang tua siap menjadi Tuhan dan mengadili hidup dengan ‘kebijaksanaannya’ sendiri?
Padahal kalau melihat kondisi Grace, seorang anak belum tahu apa-apa. Saat dia dilahirkan ia begitu polosnya, dan ia hanya bisa merasakan ia diharapkan/dicintai atau tidak. Dan bila orang tuanya memutuskan mencintai dia dan berjuang untuk kehidupan anak ini, rasanya anak ini mampu mengatasi segala macam masalah yang akan menerpa hidupnya. Yaaa.. saya melihat beberapa kasus seperti ini. Grace Gloria salah satunya.

Jumat Agung, hari Tuhan Yesus tergantung di atas kayu salib. Setelah misa Jumat Agung, saya dan Riko suami saya kembali menemui Grace dan kedua orang tuanya. Malam itu Grace terlihat makin mengurus dibandingkan saat dia lahir. Ini hari ke 3 kehidupannya, dan kami merayakan setiap hari bersama Grace dengan rasa syukur. Hari ini Grace seolah benar-benar mendampingi Tuhan Yesus di jalan salibnya. Saat saya memasukkan tangan saya ke dalam incubator dan menyapa: “Hai Grace!!! Lagi ngapain kamu…?” saya seperti melihat Grace kecil tersenyum di bawah Salib Tuhan Yesus dalam gendongan Ibu Maria. Saat itu saya tidak kuasa menahan air mata saya. I know it for sure, Grace is very save and happy, what ever her condition is.

Dunia boleh mengatakan dia seorang bayi yang lahir dengan anencephali.
Dunia boleh mengatakan bahwa ia tidak punya harapan hidup.
Dunia boleh mengatakan orang tuanya bodoh karena memutuskan melahirkan Grace. Tetapi apapun yang dunia katakan, apapun kebohongan yang ditaburkan iblis tentang pembelaan terhadap kehidupan, tidak dapat menghapuskan kenyataan bahwa cinta akan selalu menang mengalahkan keadaan apapun dalam kehidupan kita.

Grace tidak tersenyum karena Tuhan Yesus mati dan kalah. Tapi saya merasa, Grace adalah seorang anak yang mengerti apa arti tenderita, dan dia tersenyum karena dia tahu, it’s time to fight and with God’s grace, we always win the fight.
Grace tersenyum karena tahu penderitaannya akan menjadi silih bagi dosa-dosa orang tuanya dan keluarga besarnya.

It’s easter vigil. Yesus telah bangkit. Haleluya!
Misa malam Paskah tahun ini saya rasakan begitu indah. Tahun-tahun lalu juga indah sih, tetapi saya tidak tahu kenapa, tahun ini menjadi misa yang memberikan deep meaning ke saya secara pribadi.

Saya tersenyum saat pujian Paskah dinyanyikan (saya lupa kalimat aslinya), pokoknya intinya: betapa beruntungnya dosa Adam, sehingga dengan begitu kita menerima penyelamatan dari Yesus.
Buat saya setiap tahun, pujian Paskah, bacaan Paskah, sejak masa penciptaan, terbebasnya bangsa Israel dari cengkraman bangsa Mesir, dan bacaan-bacaan selanjutnya menjadikan sorak kemenangan. Betapa terbukti kesetiaan Allah, melewati kondisi apapun dalam setiap fase kehidupan manusia.. sekali lagi Allah mau meningatkan bahwa kesetiaanNya tinggal tetap, kasih setianya menyertai turun temurun bagi orang yang takut akan Tuhan.

Hari itu ada berita yang masuk bahwa Grace menurun keadaannya. Susu sudah tidak bisa masuk banyak karena muntah dan gumoh, dia terkadang berhenti bernafas. Hati saya berdebar setiap kali ada berita masuk dari papa atau mamanya Grace.
Malam itu, segera setelah misa malam Paskah selesai kami langsung ke Carolus lagi. Malam itu saya dan Ninu menyanyikan lagu-lagu untuk Grace sambil memegang tangan Grace di dalam inkubatornya. Refleks menggenggamnya sudah mulai hilang, padahal refleks ini adalah satu tanda bahwa sistem motoriknya berfungsi secara baik.

Kami menyanyikan lagu S’mua Baik dan Erat dengan HatiMu buat Grace.

Dari semula tlah Kau tetapkan, hidup Grace dalam tanganMu, dalam rencanaMu Tuhan.
Rancangan indah tlah Kau siapkan, bagi masa depan Grace yang penuh harapan.
S’mua baik, s’mua baik, apa yang tlah Kau perbuat di dalam hidup Grace.
S’mua baik, s’mua baik, Kau jadikan hidup Grace berarti.

Air mata mengalir saat saya menyanyikan lagu ini bersama dengan papa dan mama Grace.
Lalu kembali kami mengulang lagu favorit Grace (ngga tahu sih bener apa engga, sok yakin aja hehehe…)
Betapa ajaib dan dahsyatnya Tuhan kejadian Grace
Kau menenun diri Grace, serupa gambaranMu ooohhh..
Sungguh berharga di mataMu Tuhan kehidupan Grace
Kau membawa hati Grace mendekat erat dengan hatiMu

Saat itu entah mengapa, saya merasa Grace kecil ikut bersama kami menyembah Tuhan. Ninu mengangkat tangan kecil Grace saat bait:
… dan kuangkat tanganku ke tahta kasih dan karuniaMu…
tak sekalipun Kau tinggalkanku, Yesus sahabatku.

Berkali-kali saya berusaha mengeluarkan suara saya karena leher saya penuh dengan lendir karena air mata yang banjir membasahi wajah saya. Yang saya tahu pasti, ini bukan air mata kesedihan, ini air mata permohonan dan perjuangan bersama dengan Grace dan kedua orang tuanya.
Terkadang saya malu dengan diri saya, melihat anak berusia 4 hari saja mampu berjuang keras dan memaknai hidupnya di semua mungkin.
Betapa saya berterima kasih kepada Grace dan kedua orang tuanya yang telah mengingatkan saya sekali lagi akan betapa berarti dan berharganya setiap detik dalam kehidupan kita.

To be continued: GG’s Love and Life Celebration

Let Go The Need to Know Why… But… WHY??? (1)

I live for 39 years this year.
I met so many great people.
Sometimes the acquaintance happens so short, I have not even have time to breathe perfectly.
This is the story of my encounter with one tiny little girl, that the world sees her not perfect not even perfect being born.
Yes, this is the story of my encounter of one great person.

Saya ingat di suatu malam, saya sedang beristirahat di kamar. Suami saya Riko pulang dari pertemuan dengan sepasang suami istri sahabat kami, yang juga partner bisnis suami saya. Waktu itu saya menolak ikut karena badan rasanya tidak bisa diajak kompromi untuk berbagi waktu dengan mereka.
Begitu masuk kamar, suami saya berkata bahwa Bimo dan Ninu, nama pasangan suami istri itu akan segera punya anak. Ninu sedang hamil di sekitar minggu ke-20. Saat itu saya kaget, kok saya ngga tahu… tapi melihat karakter saya, kadang semua berlalu tanpa sempat saya perhatikan dan cerna. Ahhh… Lord have mercy on me… kadang saya putus asa dengan sifat cuek saya yang kadang keterlaluan.

Tetapi yang membuat saya terdiam saat itu adalah kenyataan bahwa sepasang sahabat kami itu menceritakan, bahwa anak dalam kandungan Ninu mengalami satu keadaan yang dinamakan: anencephali. Anencephali adalah keadaan di mana janin mengalami gangguan pertumbuhan organ otak sehingga sebagian besar jaringan otak dan tempurung kepala janin tidak terbentuk. (http://www.anencephaly.net/).

Mengenal Bimo dan Ninu, yang juga adik kelas saya di Fakultas Kedokteran, saya langsung bertanya dalam hati saya: “Why them Lord? Why?” dan setelah itu saya Cuma bisa terdiam dan tidak tahu harus berkata apa. Saya tidak menyangka dengan sifat ke-cuek-an saya, informasi seperti ini bisa menimbulkan dampak yang besar sehingga saya sulit sekali rasanya mencerna berita ini. Boro-boro mengunyah, menggigit saja rasanya tidak mampu karena kenyataan yang begitu keras dan tidak adil.


Saya melihat ke diri saya yang sampai hari ini belum dikaruniai anak (read: https://whittulipe.wordpress.com/2011/12/21/with-god-nothing-such-mission-impossible-a-reflection-of-one-barren-woman/), dan saya sedikit banyak mengetahui kehidupan sepasang suami istri ini, kami belum jadi orang-orang suci, kami bukan orang sempurna, tetapi kami juga bukan penjahat/ pembunuh. What have we done so we deserve this? It’s really unfair! Sedang saya mengingat orang lain yang pernah melakukan aborsi karena hamil sebelum menikah, sekarang sudah mempunyai anak yang lucu dan sehat. Dengan pengetahuan dan otak saya, dengan pengertian dan niat saya selama ini, I learn to let go the need to know why, especially things like this. But really, I was really so tempted to ask, even to shout protest. Saya benar-benar perlu belas kasihan Tuhan untuk bisa mengerti semuanya ini.

Malam itu saya mengakhiri hari dengan menuliskan e-mail kepada Bimo dan Ninu. Saya menuliskan e-mail ini untuk mereka:
Dear Bim and Ninu,
Gw baru dapat kabar dari riko 2 hal.
1. Gw baru tahu… Sumpehhhh… Kl Ninu udah hamil bahkan sudah cukup lama kayaknya. Mohon maappp gw bukan org yang perhatian hehehe… Jd gw baru tahu kalau Ninu hamil.
2. Tapi agak kaget juga pas beritanya adlh anak kalian diagnosa anencephaly.
Salut mendengar kalian begitu ‘tenangnya’ sdgkan gw yg mendengarkan saja sudah berurai air mata dan speechless… And yes… Berasa ngga adil.
Anyway gw msh mengolah berita ini juga sambil coba browsing.

Segini dulu, yang pasti doaku bersama kalian.
Ntar sambung lagi ya kl ud bisa mencerna dgn lebih benar.

 
Ketika kita mendengar sesuatu terjadi di luar kuasa kita, dan kemudian kita tahu bahwa kita tidak bisa apa-apa, bahkan Bim dan Ninu yang dua-duanya dokter tidak bisa mengubah keadaan anencephali ini,  rasanya kata-kata penyemangatan seperti: It’s ok everything’s gonna be okay, atau Tuhan akan membuat sesuatu indah pada waktuNya, atau jangan takut Tuhan bersama kita tidak bisa keluar dari mulut ini. Kebenaran yang telah teruji selama ribuan tahun bahkan tidak mampu saya katakan karena misteri yang tidak bisa saya mengerti.

Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. I really want to know what’s God’s plan right away, but I know it for sure all I have to do was get down on my knees and pray.

Katanya… Tuhan hanya sejauh doa!

To be continued: The Roller Coaster Lifelogy