Moment of Truth: Somewhere in My Wicked, Miserable Past

“So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good”

This is a lyric from a song from Sound of Music movie.
My favorite movie, until some point I think I ‘possessed’ by that movie hahahaha…
I don’t why this two line stuck in my head this passed 5 days and it keeps playin’ till this second.
when I reflect these words, I feel that the lyric so alive in me.
I decided to write something on it and I hope it will stop bugging me.
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“Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth

I have a beautiful childhood, but then back in my youth time, I can say I’m not proud with myself at all.
I was so desolate, sensitive, inferior, low self esteem, bad self image, people pleaser, coward, stupid (literally), timid, couldn’t express my opinion, even when I write this one by one I don’t like ‘her’ at all.
Then something happened – a huge storm came into my life (read: https://whittulipe.wordpress.com/2016/03/13/dance-with-my-father-a-memoir-prolog/) and changed me to a dominating woman, selfish, still bad self image but with a extreme feminist expression, full of hatred and pain, manipulating, using,and insensitive.
Imagine that kind of woman as your friend…
yeahh.. I know… me sucks rite…?

But then as the lyric said:
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth”

I don’t know when, but somewhere in my wicked, miserable past – there must have been a moment of truth.
The moment of truth that led me to who I am today.
I remember I was so frustrated with my self. I knew that I have to change but I just didn’t know how, and where to start.
So I started with baby step.
I made a commitment to my self not to say a negative/ complain comments. I have to keep my mouth shut and if want to say something, think again twice, and ask again why I have to say that… I have to teach my self and draw my self to a zero point between positive and negative.
… and the miracle start to happen when you start to work and Grace of of God become so powerful when you start to let go your own understanding.

For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
But somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

Today all I can say is… I still have to work on myself.
I still a woman in between – sharp in so many area (the way I talk, sometime I know it can hurt other’s feeling), I have to work on my dominating attitude.
I have to learn to be patient. I have to fight my laziness and selfishness. I have to go out from my comfort zone and work hard to give more of my self to others.
The courage that I live today.
The joy that I have today.
The blessing that come in my way.
I know that I must have done something good.

… and that something is let God be God in my life.
Let Jesus be a King that take over all my weakness and limitation.
I can testify how God is so good.
How He is a merciful God.
How He performed miracle somewhere in my youth.
Yes… again… I must have done something good.

That something good has a name.
And His name is Jesus.

Reflection of Lent Season 2018
(LbA)

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